Lament

Yesterday we went to McDonald's as a family treat. The store in the south part of town has been remodeled and had a new Playland installed. The Happy Meal toys were Barbies and Hot Wheels. The kids were ecstatic. My wife is chasing the elusive dream of winning Mickey D's annual monopoly game. My beloved Southern Style Chicken Sandwich is one of the items that comes with game pieces. Everybody was happy.

Everybody should've been happy. Then I looked at the menu. My new favorite sandwich is $2.99. Some time in the recent past, ( it's only been three months since they released the sandwich) the price had tripled. Tripled! Let me say that a third time, because it TRIPLED! Get me addicted and then jack up the price?! I thought only crack dealers did that.

The Sauce Manifesto

I hate how everything advertised lately in fast food commercials seems to have a "Special sauce". Mind you, most commercials don't use that exact phrase, because Micky D's trademarked it years ago. The ads still imply special-ness, but the various sauces are anything but. Chipotle, jalapeno, ranch, bacon, cheddar, mushroom, the list goes on. Then they start with the adjectives and cognates, i.e. tasty honey-mustard peppercorn ranch. That's really an advertised sauce.

Every time I taste one, it turns out to be a lot of mayonnaise mixed with a little ______ (insert ingredient here). It's almost always, with few exceptions, N-A-S-T-Y. On top of that, the kitchen employees seem to have instructions to slather the stuff all over my food.

I can pinpoint the moment my distaste for these sauces started . The steak quesadilla at Taco Bell used to be one of my favorite fast food items ever. I was addicted to the combination of steak, cheese, and green chilis on a toasted tortilla. One day(several years ago), the TV is blaring on about the new and improved sauce on the steak quesadilla. So the next day at lunch, I decide to check it out. The green chilis were gone. They'd been replaced with what was obviously (you guessed it) a lot of mayonnaise mixed with a little of the signature Taco Bell sauce that comes in those little orange packets. It was nasty and they slathered it on. I've been justifiably suspicious of special/new/savory/improved/tasty/creamy/spicy sauces ever since.

Obey Ronald

I opened the little McDonald's cardboard box and printed inside were the words "Savor your southern style chicken sandwich."

For $.99, I was expecting a breaded patty made of gray/chopped/pressed/cooked chicken-oid meat. Surprise! It appeared to be a real chicken breast. It was tender, juicy, and flavorful. The breading was crispy and seasoned nicely. Perhaps Ronald has infiltrated the Colonel's ranks and learned the secret of the eleven herbs and spices.

The chicken was served on a plain bun with some pickles. That's it.

I've heard it said--If it isn't helping things, then it's hurting. In this case, it's true. Lettuce, onions, mayo, or some ill-conceived "sauce" would've been no help. I suspect the recipe was more about hitting the $.99 price point than it was about simple elegance. Either way, niiiice sandwich. I give it 4 1/2 out of 5 polyester-clad fast food minions.

While we're on the topic of Italy...

I should've mentioned this earlier. The other night, I tasted a beverage called Aranciata It's made by the mineral water people, San Pellegrino. The label says it's a "sparkling orange beverage", but it ain't Orange Crush. It has an amazingly strong orange flavor, but it's not syrupy. It's also somewhat sour and a little bitter too. Some would say it's an acquired taste, but I acquired it instantly. Aranciata is an Italian product, but there's no need to fret. It's distributed in the U.S. and readily available in local supermarkets. Go get some.

Italian Irony

Dear Interweb,

Remember when I wrote the following: "How am I supposed to go back to Subway after this and pretend their meatball sub is even marginally edible?" Well, a few days later, my wife asks our monkeys, "Where do you want to eat? We'll go anywhere you want. " They shout, yes shout, "Sub-waaaaay!" Then they start hopping around, pumping their fists, and chanting "Sub-way, Sub-way, Sub-way!"

They don't read my blog. How did they know? And then my wife smirked that smirk, the one that really wants to be a big smile. In her mind's eye, she was pointing at me and laughing, but in the real world she was smirking . She's such a nice girl.

Little Italy

You know the problem with eating at real restaurants? Sometimes it really ruins the fast food experience. We ate at an Italian place tonight called Gloria's Little Italy. It's part bakery, part gelato stand, part deli, aaaand part sit-down restaurant. The service was kinda slow, and some of the lettuce in our salads was way past its prime. But then, redemption. I had the meatball panini. Holy cow! How am I supposed to go back to Subway after this and pretend their meatball sub is even marginally edible?

Go. Enjoy. Gloria's Little Italy, 279 East 300 South, Provo, UT, 801.805.4913

Fast and cheap just got faster and cheaper...

Here's the problem. I'd like to write more often, and I'd like to think it's worth reading. But, you wouldn't believe the hours I sometimes put into a few paragraphs, getting it just right. You also wouldn't believe how many posts I've started but haven't finished. What's the point of being all O.C.D. about a few words?

So, I'm going minimalist. I'll write more often, but it will be much more concise. There, it's faster. As for the cheaper, I have huge untapped resources for cheaper. Ask my wife.